


Looking Forward (to joining you, finally)

by DarlingNikki



Category: Tokyo Babylon
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, POV Male Character, Smoking, sadness and light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 17:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6916633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingNikki/pseuds/DarlingNikki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short introspective piece about Subaru.  Nothing really happens, he just smokes and thinks.  </p>
<p>All he has left, after, is responsibilities and a love he can't let go of no matter how much it hurts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Forward (to joining you, finally)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "I'm looking forward to joining you, finally" by Nine Inch Nails.
> 
> So I don't have a lot to say about this. It was just a short little character piece I wrote because Tokyo Babylon is one of my all time favorite things, and yeah making Subaru sad is a pastime I share with Seishirou. I just wanted to wallow in my love, so I wrote this to test how well I can do the characters. Still not sure if I achieved austere sadness with this or pure badly done melodrama.

Thought he'd had it all before Seishirou had called his bluff, Subaru thought he'd lost it all, and then he lost a whole lot more.

  
Sometimes, Subaru closes his eyes.  Sometimes, he can remember the smell of sunshine, on those halcyon days in Tokyo. Of Hokuto, by his side just like him. Of Seishirou-san standing next to him, a joyful presence at his side. It was all lies. But despite knowing that Seishirou-san has no heart, only a stone and black magic where it should be, Subaru cannot help but still wish to be by his side. As foolish, and as selfish as it is, Subaru loves Seishirou-san with all the sharp edges and broken shards of his heart.

  
He knows it's wrong. He knows he's sick.

He knows it all.

  
It doesn't stop him.

  
Subaru, the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi family, loves Sakurazuka Seishirou the Sakurazukamori, his opposite in onmyou-jitsu. His foretold enemy for the end of days, as far, and as near as that time is.

  
And despite knowing this, Subaru cannot bring himself to exorcise Seishirou-san from his heart.

  
Subaru rolls over in bed, rising to push his spine up against the headboard to brace himself. The solid surface grounds him in ways that the too soft western style bed cannot. At least the physical sensation is something different to focus on, something to pull his mind away from longing, and hurt, and the ghost of Seishirou-san.

  
He reaches to the nightstand and grasps a box of Mild 7’s, pulling one out with gracefully slim fingers, whose length he has not yet quite grown into yet. His mind may be cynical, even bitter, but he is still only a teenager and not quite done growing into itself yet. He is still heartbreakingly beautiful with his emerald eyes, snow pale skin, his hair as soft as feathers and blacker than night, but the aura of tragedy turns his beauty sharp now. That aura says look but do not touch, no one but the one can effect him now.

  
A careless flick of his finger, and then he brings the orange glow of flame to meet the tip of the cigarette held loosely against his lips.

  
He inhales, and harsh smoke floods his mouth before hitting the back of his throat, and it burns. The burn is what keeps him smoking, more than any physiological dependence. The very act, the ritual reminds him. The sensation is just like a memory. Another way to continue his slow downward spiral into his own death.

  
Exhale, and watch the smoke spiral into strange pentbruations in the soft glow of streetlights from his window. If he keeps his mind clear, he doesn't see shapes form in that twisting smoke. He lies to himself. It's easier to pretend, to ignore the twining branches of the Sakura form before his eyes.

  
“Seishirou-san. . .” His name spoken quietly does not summon the man himself, if only it did, but it still conjures up the echo of his voice Subaru’s thoughts.

  
There is a magic that exists in memory, in loving someone.

  
His imaginings of Seishirou-san are somehow better in any ways than Subaru’s memories of Hokuto are.

  
Inhale.

  
Subaru thinks of Hokuto. Seeing Subaru as he is now, would have broken her. All she had wanted to do was to give him something, someone that was his alone. She'd only wanted Subaru to be happy. Seeing him, seeing this slow tumble down, would have broken her heart because Subaru is now a man without hope, without spark, without will. He exists, he does not live. He doesn't know how to live now, so existing from responsibility to the next is the best he knows how to do. Duty, to his clan, the importance of their role and his, are the only things he knows by rote. Until he meets Seishirou-san again, it will have to suffice.

  
Exhale.

  
He loves Seishirou-san. He loves despite knowing the the truth. He loves despite the fact that Hokuto paid her life to try to protect him from the consequences of the Bet. She paid her life to protect him from his own damn stupidity. It doesn't matter, none of it does, he loves Seishirou-san, and that's something he cannot cut out of himself.

  
Another inhale, this time long and deep enough that Subaru is on the verge of chest wracking coughs.

  
It doesn't matter anyway.

  
One day, Seishirou-san will find him again.

  
It was foreordained.

  
One day, it ends.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk Tokyo Babylon with me on tumblr! Pinkglitterygoth.tumblr.com


End file.
